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Should I Invite My Ex, Whom I Had A Bad Breakup With After A Three-Year Relationship, To Apply For A Job Reporting To Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Invite My Ex, Whom I Had A Bad Breakup With After A Three-Year Relationship, To Apply For A Job Reporting To Me?
My company is starting a massive and complex two-year project. We advertised but after interviews we haven't found a suitable candidate for the position that's probably most critical. Rather than advertise again given the urgency, we've tapping our networks for candidates to interview.
One of my exes has the qualifications to be considered, and last I spoke to him (a year ago), he was unemployed. We had a three-year relationship. I thought we were heading for marriage (he didn't, which was the precipitating factor and one of the reasons we broke up). There was screaming, and we've been mostly no-contact since, except a few times we've run into each other randomly. Those conversations have been ... not "friendly" exactly, but cordial. That was four years ago, I'm over it, and he also seemed over it when we ran into each other a year ago.
This is a position I will have direct management over, and will have to rely quite heavily on as it will be on-site for the project while I will be mostly off-site. Should I reach out to my ex to submit an application for this position, or is this a bad idea?
[Inc.]
Alison Green strongly discourages the letter writer from inviting their ex to apply. "You need to be able to give him feedback and have it feel impersonal, you need to be able to talk with him about performance issues, and you need to be able to fire him if he's not working out," she writes. "Combining that with an ex is just a bad, bad mix." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do About My Suspicions That My Husband Deliberately Infected Me With A Parasitic Fungus?
My husband and I have been married for 30 years but have never really been happy with each other. For years I have had painful skin infections on my face, which have required trips to multiple dermatologists. They have done biopsies, and they still can't pinpoint the cause of my skin problems.
Recently, because one of my infections was spreading to my sinus cavity and my eye, I moved out of the master bedroom into one of the kids' old rooms. My skin is clearing up now, and I'm pain-free.
I always suspected that my husband might have had something to do with this, plus I found a book he had about wild mushrooms. In it, he had underlined a part that said mushrooms are parasitic. What do you think, Abby?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren advises the letter writer to talk to their doctors about their concerns. "If you are correct in your suspicions, you should talk to the police because your husband may be guilty of assault with intent to harm you," she writes. "This may be your chance to end your long, unhappy marriage." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Wife, Who Took Me Back After I Cheated, That I Fathered A Child With A Lesbian Couple Earlier In Our Marriage?
I've been married for 12 years. It's a wonderful relationship with two kids, except for one thing. I am a sex addict and my wife has zero interest in sex.
Since getting pregnant with our second child, we've pretty much almost never had sex. I'm still crazy in love with her though, and everything else about our relationship is great…
Last year, my wife found out about a sugar baby I had been keeping. We got divorced. It was messy, but we ended up getting back together. It's been over a year and I haven't cheated again, although it takes great determination. Then recently, something from the past resurfaced. Five years ago, I met a lesbian couple that wanted to have a baby.
They couldn't decide who should carry it, so they decided the best way was to let nature decide. After several months and some of the most wild fun three people can have, one of them got pregnant. They had me sign a contract saying that I was just a donor, had no rights as a father, and would never contact them after my work was done. I signed it, but never got a copy.
I thought this was all a happy memory until they broke up and the mother came calling for child support in extortionate quantities. If this comes to light, my wife may explode in a fashion that would put Mount St. Helens to shame and would be equally devastating. What do I do here?
Jordan Harbinger and Gabriel Mizrahi urge the letter writer to come clean to his wife, and to talk to a lawyer. "You put your wife in a terrible position here and my heart really goes out to her," says Harbinger. "I obviously have no idea what she'll ultimately wanna do with this information, but I just don't see what good could come from continuing to hide this." Read (or listen to) the rest of their answers.
What Should I Do After My Husband Moved His Sick Mom In With Us With The Expectation That I Handle 100% Of Her Care Needs?
We just took in my husband's mom, who is pretty much an invalid. She has a million needs, she is cranky and she is making my life miserable. She is also making my 11-year-old daughter miserable. My husband has asked us repeatedly to be patient, but he is away from the house most of the time and has not handled a single one of her meals, medicinal regimens, diaper changes. After one month of this, I am more than ready to explore other options, but when I mention it, my husband gets wildly offended. What do I do?
Carolyn Hax suggests that the letter writer's husband take a week or two off work to take care of his mom. "You and he can't talk intelligently about this until he experiences for himself the life he insists that you live," she writes. "I'm 'wildly offended' that the person making this decision unilaterally is the one it affects the least." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Sister-In-Law To Stop Having A Warm And Supportive Relationship With My Son And Daughter-In-Law?
How do I let my sister-in-law know she's overstepping boundaries with our son and grandchildren? We're trying to fix a difficult relationship with our son and his family and my sister-in-law has stepped in and has taken over the role of parent and grandparent. She constantly invites our son and family out with them and excludes us. She gives our grandchildren multiple gifts and does the same with our daughter-in-law and son. My sister-in-law talks to our daughter-in-law about the difficulties we're having with them instead of suggesting that they should talk to us. Our daughter-in-law has mental and emotional issues that aren't being addressed because our sister-in-law reinforces everything she says and does. We don't want to compete with her but there is no way for us to try and repair our relationship while she is always there and stepping into the relationship. How do we let her know that we feel her behavior is sabotaging our efforts? We love our son and grandchildren dearly.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris informs the letter writer that boundaries aren't something that can be set on other people's relationships. "It sounds like your son and his family enjoy what they have going on with your sister-in-law, and she enjoys their company in return," she writes. "If you had a solid, healthy connection with your son, it could absolutely withstand him being close to another family member." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Neighbor How Offended I Was When She Replaced My Vanilla Extract With Imitation Vanilla Extract?
My neighbor needed vanilla extract for a recipe and asked if I had any. I gave her a new bottle of extract, saying, "Replace it when you can."
The bottle of vanilla extract was replaced with imitation extract. I will never use imitation vanilla, EVER. What do I do? Do I say something or just chalk it up to her being rude?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona, point out that the neighbor might not know the difference between pure and imitation vanilla extract. "Miss Manners would rather attribute the mistake to benign ignorance than willful malice," they write. "Etiquette dictates that if you feel compelled to educate them, you do so kindly, without accusation, and in another context." Read the rest of their answer.
